Whenever I do a new public venture, I seem to go through an intense questioning process, a self-questioning of my motivations for doing such a thing.
I admit that I have held a twist in my psyche around being on stage, in the public eye, or being a "teacher". This has grasped my emotional body since I was very young, causing me to contract in fear with what otherwise are artful, entertaining and even masterful expressions that can come through me. This has been a continual "work" for me to unwind this.
What an interesting configuration of self! I just resisted writing "what a shame", knowing that truthfully there is no shame involved, in spite of the internal knot that has so many what I call "turns of the screw" on top of it. This is not a "shame". Rather, I see now it is an opportunity to explore some interesting way that consciousness can configure. I am now committing to investigating this knot and unwinding the screw-turns that have held this complex in place for so long. I can feel this happening as I write this. Wow.
There was fear of the intensity of my being, and a lack of understanding how to be emotionally free with its expression since I was very young. I have had the impulse to be a performer and artist all my life. I was blessed with an flexible, coordinated body, a supple voice, a flare for aesthetics and some good smarts with the potential for great talent. What a gift! And yet I have seen myself in the history of this present life contort away from letting this express freely. Not that I haven't performed! The urge to be "out front" has been a bit stronger than the urge to retreat. But the retreat has put some distortions on my outward expression in both subtle and profound ways.
I have seen well one part of this complex, which I have labeled "fear of arrogance/false humility". Like everything in this fractal universe, this has both a positive side and a negative side.
On the positive side, I truly desire to place myself appropriately in creation, to not put myself above others, to not let my ego blind me from seeing the whole. I have seen how self-absorption and narcissism energetically cuts me off from sensitivity to and reception of something larger, much larger, than my limited ideation of it. This fear of arrogance can keep me humble, and thus open to what is true, beautiful and unknown.
But on the negative side (Is there really a negative side? Hm, that could be a good jumping off point for a future blog post.) this fear of arrogance created a contraction in my physical/emotional/energy body that carries the belief of "constant vigilance, Marién! You don't want to make anyone feel less than, or competitive, or uncomfortable." The false humility arose as a compensatory mode of operation, but truly has the fear of arrogance woven all through it. So in good Byron Katie turnaround style, I can see right now that I don't want to feel those feared reactions myself.
So how to change this picture? I don't seem to be able to stop these reactions from happening. Some people (me included, actually, particularly me) will have these reactions it seems inevitably, especially if I am holding them. The good choice right now, my intent right now, is to unresist them.
In the above list of reactions, competition is the one that most scares me. Not because I don't want any competition in the way that you might think is implied by that phrase. It is not that I want to be the one in the spotlight, only me. I am happy, really very happy, to have engagement and give-and-take in presenting. I want to expand myself, my understandings, my experience. I want to continue learning. What I fear is an interaction that denies that, one where the "stage" is usurped for ego, in myself or others. This is tricky territory, and takes great openness and vulnerability to transcend. Everyone wants to be heard, and there are many, many unexamined, unconscious complexes that create a grasping for time in the spotlight. My fear in the past has made me collapse in and retreat and take myself out of this game, usually with a feeling of confusion and sorrow.
I see a possibility now of a new way of engaging in those moments where I see competition rising up. The key is to let myself feel my fear and not collapse with it. That's all! Breathe. I certainly know how to do that! That alone is enough to help me stay present and available. That is what I want.
Now that I have investigated this, I will probably remember that this moment is an opportunity to reclaim my energy, what is actually my source energy, for recirculation into my being and be more comfortable with the intensity of the being that I am. How exciting! I look forward to this!
So back to the title, uh ... why do this website/blog? My deep desire is that my unfettered revealing of my thoughts, process and revelations will be of use to others. My enjoyment of my own self revelation being of benefit to others must be the ultimate bliss, at least it is for me. And putting myself in this position is going to bring stuff up for me; it is an opportunity for my own revelation. Share and grow. Offer something and hear the feedback and respond again. Engaging in the process brings revelation of what was mysterious and new possibilities. A kind of magic.
I love feeling/knowing/finding that living is full of truthful, beautiful, awesome expressions of mysterious, magical, even divine gifts. Life is rich. Always.